Audibly Offensive

With Sunday’s big game quickly approaching, nearly everyone in America is planning their own version of a massive Super Bowl party. Let’s face it. It’s the ultimate guy’s day. It’s not just a football game, it’s a spectacle. It’s a world-wide phenomenon that gets broadcast to countries that don’t even give a damn about the NFL as a whole.

Now, earlier during the football season, I had a conversation with Shay, a friend of mine from my high school days. She told me a story about her step-daughter trying to act like she cared about the Rose Bowl because of a guy she was interested in.

The key word here is “trying.”

So that got me to thinking. The Super Bowl is as big as it gets. It’s the biggest party of the year not named New Years, St. Patty’s Day or Mardi Gras. It’s an opportunity for anyone to throw a bash. It’s an opportunity for men and women to be in the same room for different reasons.

Face it. Guys flock to football. I know this. I have 31 years of personal experience with this. Trust me.

Contrary to popular belief, there ARE other reasons for you women to go to these parties. Yes, football is the main thing… but just in case you’re not too big of a football fan, here’s a few things to consider:

Party = Food

Any self respecting party host is going to break the bank to make sure that their Super Bowl party is memorable.

They’re going to go spend a truck load on the biggest high-def TV they can find, beverages of all kinds and food. If I’m throwing a party, you can rest assured that I’m throwing down on the grill. Other guys are going to call up their favorite pizza place and have them take care of it. Most of the time, there’s going to be food that you’ll only find at gatherings.

Someone’s going to fire up a pot of their famous (or infamous) chili. Someone’s going to show why Bobby Flay needs to raid their home for an episode of Throwdown. Bottom line, for the biggest football game of the year, you’re getting the party host’s A Game in the food department.

It’s Just As Good As A Bar

When men and women congregate in the same place. It’s always a perfect opportunity to meet someone. As my friend Summer (another high school friend) put it, “Anyplace is good to meet someone if alcohol is involved.”

Think about it. When people drink, they tend to get a little more comfortable and can be more interesting. Besides, if you’re at a party, then that means you obviously know someone there. That means you’re going to most likely meet a friend of theirs that you don’t know.

I’m not suggesting that you go to a party and get hammered. No one likes that.

Besides, sports fans are good people to meet. They’re fun, they’re energetic and passionate about things more than just sports.

The OTHER Reason To Watch The Game

Yes, the Super Bowl is the main event, but there are a lot of people that watch the game for what happens in between the game… the Super Bowl Commercials. Think about it, some of the greatest commercials EVER were debuted during a Super Bowl. Need proof? Okay, try here, here and here.

Halftime Is Another Event In Itself

Every year, the Super Bowl Halftime Show has its own pageantry, its own flare and its own hype. Even after the infamous Janet Jackson “nipple-gate”, the halftime show still continued to spark interest, despite the NFL becoming gun shy and signing acts that were decades past their prime. True, most of the shows were forgettable, but they’re still worth watching. They’re still either going to be great (see: Prince) or a train wreck (Rolling Stones, The Who… trust me…. it will be).

One Major Thing Guys Won’t Care About

Women do find some of the guys on the field in question attractive. When ESPN asked their viewers who they’d rather have date their sister between Drew Brees or Peyton F. Manning, Manning won hands down. Guys see The F as a born leader. He’s a nice, clean cut guy. I’m not saying Drew Brees isn’t, but guys flock to The F’s success.

I asked three women, Summer, my friend Abbey from college and my own girlfriend and, according to them, it was unanimous. “Brees is hotter,” Abbey said.

So while the single ladies at the party might not have any luck finding the right guy, they can always spend the evening lusting over guys that make more money in a day that a normal guy does in a year.

Learning Experience

Finally, maybe a particular guy is going to be at this party. Maybe it’s “that guy.” You know, the one you always wanted to talk to. Maybe he’s really into football and you’re not. Pick his brain. Get him to explain stuff to you. If he takes the time to put what’s happening in layman’s terms, he’ll probably be able to handle any serious discussion you two might have in a relationship. If he just blows you off… he’s probably an asshole anyway.

One disclaimer in this one though… if he is a diehard Colts or Saints fan, IGNORE THIS SECTION! He has one thing and one thing only on his mind… winning. On this night, he is insane. He cannot be held responsible for anything he says (ESPECIALLY if he is a Saints fan).

Maybe it’s not much, but it’s just a few different ways to approach that Super Bowl party this weekend. Call up your friend, accept the invitation. Choose a side if you want or just go to enjoy the atmosphere. It’ll be worth it. Follow these ideas and who knows… you might end up with your own trophy.

Yeah, that last line was terrible. So sue me.

- Patrick Swafford / pat@audiblyoffensive.com