Audibly Offensive

I’m back for another Draft Blog. You know the drill. Keep refreshing for new stuff.

(All times are CDT)

6:40 – The Chicago Bulls select Derrick Rose, Memphis. Not a stupid move here at all, but Beasley would have been a more solid pick for them. Miami’s up.

6:43 – If the Heat don’t go Beasley here… this Draft is going to be fucking chaotic as Hell.

6:45 – Miami selects… Michael Beasley. Whew. I was waiting on Hank Steinbrenner to bitch about the Universe being out of order again. Beasley/Marion/Wade next year… hmmm… a new “big three”? Minnesota is on the clock. If OJ Mayo doesn’t get taken here, then a potential deal between Seattle and the Clippers goes out the window.

6:47 – Quoting ESPN’s Chad Ford about Rose. “He brings leadership and a winning attitude.” No shit. The guy lost two games as a collegiate player and openly cries when he loses because he’s so driven to win. Get the guy some talent around him and he’ll be a beast!

6:49 – The T-Wolves select OJ Mayo, G, USC. Nice suit, son. I guess all of that “charity work” you did with the Sickle Cell Awareness Foundation “paid off”, huh? Yeah… like he didn’t know where the money came from. Clippers are on the clock… expect them and Seattle to swap picks.

6:51 – And what did I tell you. Now Seattle with take Eric Gordon… watch.

6:52 – A text message from a friend… “Is OJ Mayo wearing sneakers with his suit?” After rewinding thanks to the TiVo in the Swafford home… I believe he is. Wow…

6:55 – And…. I was wrong. Russell Westbrook, G, UCLA is now going to… Seattle/OKC. God be with you, sir. Memphis is on the clock.

6:58 – Anyone else beside me notice that this draft class kinda sucks? Other than Rose and Beasley, no one really stands out. This isn’t as stacked a draft class as we’ve seen in recent years… and if someone from Europe goes in the top five… so help me…

7:00 – Quoting Ford on Mayo… “Not a given Mayo stays in Minny.” No shit? Really? That’s like saying it’s not a given that JD Drew stays in Philly or Eric Lindros stays in Quebec.

7:02 – Memphis selcets Kevin Love. This is one of my favs in this class. He’s a great player… great passer. Memphis made a good pick here to replace Gasol after the trade to LA.

7:03 – Memphis announces that it’s traded Kevin Love to the Lakers for a week’s worth of groceries.

7:03:30 – The Knicks are on the clock. Donnie Walsh… YOU are on the clock. No pressure…

7:07 – Trash talk between a UCLA and USC fan in this chatroom I’m in. UCLA guy’s happy because two Bruins go back to back. USC guy has to brag because a Trojan went before them. Yeah… and when USC is on probation, this guy will hate OJ Mayo with the fire of a thousand suns.

7:08 – The Knicks select Danilo Gallinari from Italy. Yay. Now the Knicks have someone that will physically flop instead of just the usual “I don’t play worth a damn” flop. (Ex: Curry, Marbury, etc)

7:11 – Text message from my buddy John… “Should I be worried that the NY fans were BOOING David Stern?” No, John… they all are. Oh, the Clippers are up again. They select… Gosder Cherilus.

7:14 – Congratulations Eric Gordon… you’re a Los Angeles Clipper. What are you going to do next? How about… get ready to be on the worst team in sports history? Now, the Bucks begin a promising new future… one without Yi Jianlian.

7:17 – Just got a text from Lemke. He may jump in here in a bit with some of his own smartass comments.

7:18 – Quoting Ford on Gallinari: “He’s perfect for Mike D’Antoni’s system.” How? He scores a shit load and plays no defense? Hell, that’s 80 percent of the Knicks right there. Oh wait… they’re not athletic. Nevermind. Maybe this was a good pick.

7:19 – The Bucks select…. Joe Alexander. Time out! They just dealt a non-explosive forward and picked up a non-explosive forward? These guys draft forwards like the Detroit Lions draft receivers! The Bobcats are on the clock.

7:21 – Lemke: But… that guy isn’t Asian.

7:22 – Lemke: Oooh… loophole. He was born in Taiwan. Well played, Bucks. Well played.

7:26: Charlote selects DJ Augustin, Texas. Nice pick. Jersey is up.

7:27 – I looked on Wikipedia just to make sure Lemke wasn’t bullshitting me. He wasn’t. Alexander really was born in Taiwan.

7:31 – Jersey takes Brook Lopez. Great… another big body and no guard. Yeah… I see Vince mailing this year in. The Pacers are up for the first of two picks in the top 20. They stand to get a lot here if they don’t botch this.

7:34 – I asked Lemke which one of the Lopez twins Brook is. He said that Robin was the one with pube hair on his head. Want proof? He’s in the middle of this picture. Brook is on the right.

7:37: – Jerryd Bayless from Arizona goes to the Pacers at #11. Sacramento is on the clock.

7:42: – Sac-Town selects Jason Thompson, Rider. WHO?

7:49 – Portland selects Brandon Rush from Kansas. Great… just what the rest of the NBA needs… this team needs another cold blooded killer like Alabama needs another drug dealing linebacker.

7:50: – Quoting Ford about Thompson… “Biggest surprise of the draft.” Translation…. WHO? Golden State is on the clock.

7:54: – Golden State selects Anthony Randolph, LSU.

8:00 – Phoenix selects Robin Lopez and his pube hair. Philly is on the clock.

8:10: – Damn… working my job and my blog at the same time is Hell, man. Here’s what I’ve missed:

Philly goes with Marreese Speights from Florida at 16. Toronto takes Roy Hibbert from Georgetown next. Washington is on the clock and Larry Brown is not happy. He wanted Hibbert. I like that pick from Toronto, Gives them a physical presence to match up with Bosh.

8:12: – A reminder… Chris Lemke is coming in at 8:30 to take you through the rest of the round.

8:14: – One thing I don’t like about the NBA Draft… it’s too formal. You don’t have the rabid fans in the audience like in the NFL. There are no Jets fans in basketball. No Dawg Pound and no Philly fans that’ll boo who their team picks (because no one in Philly gives a rat’s ass about the Sixers anyway.)

8:16: – Wizards select JaVale McGee from Nevada at 18. Again, I pose this thought-provoking question: Who? The Cavs are now on the clock.

8:23: – THE BITCH…IS BACK. CHRIS LEMKE IN THE HIZZIE! Oh and somethin somethin J.J. Hickson from NC State is goin to play with LeBron. LeBron was said to call Phillip Rivers a dick. I think l like that guy. LeBron…not JJ Hickson. Who the hell is that guy?

8:28: – (Central Time sucks…EAST COAST BITCH!) Alexis Ajinica the 7’1″ center goes to Team Jordan. Big risk move, and like Danilo won’t be an immediate impact guy. I’m just glad to see that we are letting women play real basketball.

8:35: – Ryan Anderson, the forward from California is going to fly to Jersey and be the 18,000th West Coast vistor to say…”What the hell is that smell? Aw dammit. Thanks A LOT JASON KIDD! ”

8:40: – Dwight Howard gets a new playmate as Western Kentucky ships out Courtney Lee a 6’5″ forward. I like this kid but think it wasn’t the best play for Orlando which at any given time has 4 weak spots on the court…5 if Howard needs to take a Gatorade break.

8:44: – Kotas Kofus, the center from BLEH Ohio State is going to party down to Salt Lake City. With the exception of the partying. And the down. As in hell. Hey maybe one day we can find a lost version of this blog and make The Blog of Patrick Swafford day Saints.

8:50: – Phoenix felt really bad for Kevin Durant and so they decided to give him a new friend to draft. But of course Seattle is owned by a bunch of communists and so like the homers that they are picked Serge Ibaka, a 6’10″ forward and another guy who is not going to be an immediate impact player. On a side note I went to a restaurant and I ordered Kofus and Ibaka. I had bad heartburn afterwards.

8:55: – Houston we have a Batum. Great pick up for the Rockets getting Tracy McGrady some front court help with Nicolas Batum another big forward, espacially on the defensive end. I was pretty high on this guy more so than Ibaka or some other Europeans. I think with McGrady pushing him and getting him more aggressive he has a world of potential.

9:05: – San Antonio officially selects Ronaldo! King of the floppers! Who knew that he was a two sport athlete? Oh wait…no sorry turns out that Tony Parker is threatened by him being near Eva Longoria. So instead they grab THE George Hill. THATS RIGHT! THE MONSTER FROM IUPUI. Yeah I dunno either. Pat stuck me with the boring part of the draft. Ass.

9:09: – Really hate central time. Alright so now we have Chris Paul and the Hornets doin what they did alllll year and getting a steal and a dunk. The Brady Quinn of this year’s draft Darrell Arthur, the forward from Kansas is no longer in the green room. New Orleans just got thrown somethin special and I think they will flash us all next year. There, relevant puns without talking about Katrina or George Bush hating black people. Which he does. In fact, hes not even watching the draft. Ya know who is? OBAMA! YES WE CAN!

9:15 – Los Angeles gives up their pick just to show off for some hot Gay guy. What? Rudy Gay. From Memphis. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! Memphis gave up Pao for Donte Green, forward out of the ‘Cuse. Another sleeper guy I like, WORK with him and I think he can give you something that Pao did with their smooth mobility. Heh. Gay. DONT JUDGE ME!

9:20: – Detroit Brick City is up and you know that Sheed is ready for new fresh meat hazing. Which is why that they grabbed D.J. White from Indiana. Again, I think that the last couple of picks have really turned this draft around. We are seeing WHY teams are play off performers are getting the puzzle pieces that they need. Maybe now Kelvin Sampson will stop calling him. I DON’T WANNA PLAY FOR MILWAUKEE!

9:30: – Hey did you know that Boston won the NBA Championships? If not, ESPN has made sure it’ll never escape your memory. Seriously, I would think that the people watching this are knowledgeable enough to know who Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce are. They didn’t turn into the draft because they thought it was a special episode of Grey’s Anatomy. That said, J.R. Giddens is selected, guard out of New Mexico. As a Celts fan, not thrilled with the pick. You wanted a guard, needed a guard but pass up Chris Douglas-Roberts from Memphis. He is not a second rounder.

Welp, thats the end of the first round and my patience. Not the draft that I thought we would see to be honest. A lot of picks from teams who are one or two players away from being elite passed up the opportunity. Maybe they are waiting for Garnett to retire or Boston to dump some players to save room on the cap. I dunno. Started off very strong, but quickly sunk in the middle with some iffy picks.

Big Winners: The obvious winners are Chicago and Miami for grabbing two very very high quality immediate impact players. I liked Seattle picking up Westbrook. The team that walked away with the biggest A+ in my book was Memphis. Kevin Love and Donte Green will bring a new dynamic to that team that collapsed after they got rid of Pao in one of the worst trades in NBA history. I thought New Orleans had a clutch pick up in the late round with a player who shouldn’t have been there and definitely San Antonio for grabbing the man who single handedly brought the destruction of the juggernaut Indiana University of South Bend. They can’t even DRAFT excitedly.

Losers: The over reliance of European players. Hey look at that Dirk Nowitski go! Aren’t Pao Gasol and Manu Ganobli awesome? The fact of the matter is that while the international game is growing leaps and bounds (see last summer Olympics for proof) the development of these players takes a lot of time and effort that most coaches, fans, and players do not want to put in for. They don’t have a long shelf life either because of the years spent in training before ever hitting the NBA floor. With the exception of the Knick’s Danilo Gallinari you aren’t going to see these European players on an NBA court this year. And for teams that are fairly close to success as it is, its not going to be what they need.

Welcome to professional sports. What have you done for me lately?