Audibly Offensive

I wish I could tell you what it means to me to be able to say that the New Orleans Saints are in the Super Bowl. Honestly I think I have thrown out four or five different drafts of this column just trying to explain the magnitude of what that statement entails for me personally and the state that I call home. It is contrary to everything that I have known and accepted, directly flying the face of all rational thought and logic for as long as I can remember. It’s like Sandra Bullock being nominated for an Oscar…for acting.

Football growing up in Louisiana meant that you born with purple and gold in your blood on Saturday and a grocery bag on your head for Sunday. We loved our Saints, went to all the games, supported them through the worst because they may have misfits and losers but hell, what to do you think New Orleans is made of? To the rest of the nation, more than the Lions and the Browns, the Saints have always been more known for their failures than anything else. It was impossible to talk about the Saints without the images of a stadium full of ‘Aints or a half of fame coach sporting dreadlocks at a press conference to announce that he’s traded away his team’s future.

This is the part of the column that I hate by the way because I have to talk about hurricane Katrina like everyone else when writing about the Saints and I can’t stand to be cliché but it’s almost mandatory. In August of 2005 a city that I loved as much as my own home an hour away was brought to the ground as water flooded the streets and people sought refuge in the Super Dome, a place that was more of a sanctuary on Sundays than the many churches in the city. The entire landscape of New Orleans was forever changed because of that one event, something that will be forever remembered by the city and it’s native sons. Some of the changes that happened during that entire ordeal were not all terrible, for all it’s splendor and decadence New Orleans was a city horribly marred by crime, poverty, and worst of all, indifference towards it’s ills. After Katrina the people of New Orleans realized that they could survive anything, forces of nature and ineffectual government alike, nothing could tear them down. A sense of pride that usually only came from its greatest day of excess, Mardi Gras, was now they new norm. We had to look out for each other, we had to reach out and help, to stop our city from becoming what it was before because God knows, no one else was going to help us. In a sense, New Orleans became self aware and we could not have been prouder.

When Monday Night Football returned to the Super Dome on September 24, 2006, New Orleans was ready. This was a brand new chapter not just for a team marred in mediocrity, but for a city with it’s heart on it’s sleeve.  I never thought I would be prouder of my home town team than I was on that night, but when I saw Garrett Hartley’s kick fly through the uprights in the NFC championship game, I was grinning from ear to ear and even got a little bit of dust stuck in my eye.

On August 29^th 2005, I had to furiously call my family members to make sure that everyone was still standing while watching the absolute destruction of New Orleans on television.  I don’t think I have ever dialed and called people so quickly and in such a panic. It was one of the single most horrible experiences of my entire life. On January 24th 2010, I had to furiously call my family members to make sure that everyone was still standing after watching the New Orleans Saints earn their spot in the Super Bowl.  I don’t think I have ever dialed and called people so quickly and in such excitement. It was one of the single most amazing experiences of my entire life.

GEAUX SAINTS.

-Chris Lemke

Four-time defending NASCAR Champion Jimmie Johnson, shown here with his wife, Chandra, may be the sport's most successful driver, but he's far from the most marketable. Photo courtesy of Virgin Media

The great mystery of life is not “why use restrictor plates when its obvious they make racing more dangerous and less exciting at the same time,” or “does Brian France really know what he’s doing,” or even “How many damn Waltrips do they really need in a broadcast booth at once?” The real question is “How is it that a four-time defending NASCAR Sprint Cup champion trails in sales behind a guy who hasn’t won a race in two years?”

There’s really no definite answer so much as it is a conglomeration of a few.

Firstly, its not that Jimmie Johnson isn’t marketable so much as it is Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is more marketable.

Why is he more marketable, you say? Because his empire was built and being run like he was a pop star. The “Buy this because I say so” mentality plagues the sport as well as other fields. Just like Spencer’s brainwashes everyone to buy Boondock Saints and Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise because it’s there, Walmart brainwashes people into buying Mountain Dew and Amp gear.

Jimmie doesn’t have a family legacy to fall back on during hard times nor did he immediately jump into awesome equipment.

In fact, his Busch (now Nationwide) results were absolutely abysmal. He had to dig his way, tooth and nail, to where he is now. Johnson was fortunate enough to land a ride with Rick Hendrick.

Secondly, Jimmie is boring. He’s been in Sprint Cup since 2001 and what is the most interesting thing you’ve heard about him? That one time he sprained his hand riding on top of a golf cart. (I’m convinced alcohol was involved, and I’m convinced he’s trying to hide the fact that he might actually be quite entertaining.)

Earnhardt, Jr., on the other hand, is colorful all the time. Fans love people who run their mouths constantly. This is why Tony Stewart is popular, and yet people fall asleep once Matt Kenseth takes the lead.

The top three drivers in sales are Earnhardt, Jr., Tony Stewart and Jeff Gordon: all who invoke controversy.

On the flip-side, Jimmie’s crew chief Chad Knaus can be arrogant and offensive. Double standards in NASCAR allow the driver to be an ass, but none of the crew members. Remember Powerade Victory Lane? Of course you don’t. When Johnson (or any driver at the time) would win, they put Powerade bottles on top of the car. Johnson (and most of the other drivers) would knock them off once they got out of the car, since the majority of drivers at the time were sponsored by Gatorade. NASCAR told Johnson’s team specifically not to remove the bottles in victory lane. What was their solution? Make a giant Lowe’s sign to cover up the bottles as soon as the celebration began. NASCAR proceeded to fine the team 50 grand, but Powerade got the message and hasn’t been seen sponsoring a victory lane since.

Finally, Johnson wins way too damn much. Ever seen the signs in the seventies that used to say “Anyone but Petty”? That’s whats happening here. When the same guy keeps winning races and championships over and over again, it gets boring and it gets frustrating to the fans as well as the sponsors.

If fans get bored, they’re not going to by merchandise and they sure as Hell aren’t going to buy merchandise from the man making it boring.

Johnson and his crew are both somewhat of a liability when it comes to marketing and sales. Johnson, because he is too clean cut and doesn’t cause controversy (and wins all the time) and his crew for coming up with clever ways of “sticking it to the man.”

Maybe if he would act more like he did when he rode around on the top of a golf cart and his crew could act a little less like the kid with their hand in the cookie jar, he’d woo more fans and thus more money would be spent.

Until then, Earnhardt, Stewart and Gordon will continue to rake in the cash because they have mastered controversy.

-James Burton

Editor’s Note: Beginning this week, and going throughout the 2010 NASCAR season, Audibly Offensive will be featuring a weekly Friday column from our newest family member, James Burton.

Burton is student at Jacksonville State University in Jacksonville, Alabama, and has been a columnist for different regional publications as well as a NASCAR analyst for WLJS, 91.9 FM.

At last, the guys finally talk about Super Bowl XLIV, breaking down each positional match-up, what each team needs to do to hoist the Lombardi Trophy and predictions. We’ll give you a hint on one of them… Lemke was born in Louisiana.

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It’s Super Bowl Week… and we’re not talking about the game. Yet. That happens Friday on a very special show. This go around, we talk about everything else… and welcome (and possibly plot the death) of an old friend.

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With Sunday’s big game quickly approaching, nearly everyone in America is planning their own version of a massive Super Bowl party. Let’s face it. It’s the ultimate guy’s day. It’s not just a football game, it’s a spectacle. It’s a world-wide phenomenon that gets broadcast to countries that don’t even give a damn about the NFL as a whole.

Now, earlier during the football season, I had a conversation with Shay, a friend of mine from my high school days. She told me a story about her step-daughter trying to act like she cared about the Rose Bowl because of a guy she was interested in.

The key word here is “trying.”

So that got me to thinking. The Super Bowl is as big as it gets. It’s the biggest party of the year not named New Years, St. Patty’s Day or Mardi Gras. It’s an opportunity for anyone to throw a bash. It’s an opportunity for men and women to be in the same room for different reasons.

Face it. Guys flock to football. I know this. I have 31 years of personal experience with this. Trust me.

Contrary to popular belief, there ARE other reasons for you women to go to these parties. Yes, football is the main thing… but just in case you’re not too big of a football fan, here’s a few things to consider:

Party = Food

Any self respecting party host is going to break the bank to make sure that their Super Bowl party is memorable.

They’re going to go spend a truck load on the biggest high-def TV they can find, beverages of all kinds and food. If I’m throwing a party, you can rest assured that I’m throwing down on the grill. Other guys are going to call up their favorite pizza place and have them take care of it. Most of the time, there’s going to be food that you’ll only find at gatherings.

Someone’s going to fire up a pot of their famous (or infamous) chili. Someone’s going to show why Bobby Flay needs to raid their home for an episode of Throwdown. Bottom line, for the biggest football game of the year, you’re getting the party host’s A Game in the food department.

It’s Just As Good As A Bar

When men and women congregate in the same place. It’s always a perfect opportunity to meet someone. As my friend Summer (another high school friend) put it, “Anyplace is good to meet someone if alcohol is involved.”

Think about it. When people drink, they tend to get a little more comfortable and can be more interesting. Besides, if you’re at a party, then that means you obviously know someone there. That means you’re going to most likely meet a friend of theirs that you don’t know.

I’m not suggesting that you go to a party and get hammered. No one likes that.

Besides, sports fans are good people to meet. They’re fun, they’re energetic and passionate about things more than just sports.

The OTHER Reason To Watch The Game

Yes, the Super Bowl is the main event, but there are a lot of people that watch the game for what happens in between the game… the Super Bowl Commercials. Think about it, some of the greatest commercials EVER were debuted during a Super Bowl. Need proof? Okay, try here, here and here.

Halftime Is Another Event In Itself

Every year, the Super Bowl Halftime Show has its own pageantry, its own flare and its own hype. Even after the infamous Janet Jackson “nipple-gate”, the halftime show still continued to spark interest, despite the NFL becoming gun shy and signing acts that were decades past their prime. True, most of the shows were forgettable, but they’re still worth watching. They’re still either going to be great (see: Prince) or a train wreck (Rolling Stones, The Who… trust me…. it will be).

One Major Thing Guys Won’t Care About

Women do find some of the guys on the field in question attractive. When ESPN asked their viewers who they’d rather have date their sister between Drew Brees or Peyton F. Manning, Manning won hands down. Guys see The F as a born leader. He’s a nice, clean cut guy. I’m not saying Drew Brees isn’t, but guys flock to The F’s success.

I asked three women, Summer, my friend Abbey from college and my own girlfriend and, according to them, it was unanimous. “Brees is hotter,” Abbey said.

So while the single ladies at the party might not have any luck finding the right guy, they can always spend the evening lusting over guys that make more money in a day that a normal guy does in a year.

Learning Experience

Finally, maybe a particular guy is going to be at this party. Maybe it’s “that guy.” You know, the one you always wanted to talk to. Maybe he’s really into football and you’re not. Pick his brain. Get him to explain stuff to you. If he takes the time to put what’s happening in layman’s terms, he’ll probably be able to handle any serious discussion you two might have in a relationship. If he just blows you off… he’s probably an asshole anyway.

One disclaimer in this one though… if he is a diehard Colts or Saints fan, IGNORE THIS SECTION! He has one thing and one thing only on his mind… winning. On this night, he is insane. He cannot be held responsible for anything he says (ESPECIALLY if he is a Saints fan).

Maybe it’s not much, but it’s just a few different ways to approach that Super Bowl party this weekend. Call up your friend, accept the invitation. Choose a side if you want or just go to enjoy the atmosphere. It’ll be worth it. Follow these ideas and who knows… you might end up with your own trophy.

Yeah, that last line was terrible. So sue me.

- Patrick Swafford / pat@audiblyoffensive.com

As the football world descends on Miami for Super Bowl XLIV, there are 30 teams that are already planning their off-season acquisitions and their draft plans.

For one quarterback, he’s planning his re-ascension to the top of the NFL’s food chain just a year and change removed from a stint in prison.

For Michael Vick, it’s not a re-ascension into the top tier. Like Allen Iverson deserved to be an NBA All-Star starter this season, Michael Vick believes he’s as much a “top ten quarterback” in the NFL.

Vick visited the Dan Patrick Radio Show and told the world on live radio that he still feels he is one of the ten best signal callers in the league.

OK, before we even start breaking down the huge weaknesses in Vick’s game, let’s take a look at some of the 32 starting quarterbacks in the league in 2009.

Vick is obviously not better than the two guys playing in Miami this weekend, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. He’s not better than Tom Brady.

Those are givens. But what about the others?

Now, in fairness, we’re only looking at the passer ratings of all 32 starting quarterbacks this season in this comparison and we’re focusing on the top ten.

They are, in order: Brees, Brett Favre, Phillip Rivers, Aaron Rodgers, Ben Roethlisberger, Peyton F. Manning, Matt Schaub, Tony Romo, Brady and the now retired Kurt Warner.

In a word. No.

In two words, Hell no.

In several? What in the Blue Hell are you thinking, Michael Vick?

If you ask me, and since you’re reading this… you are, yardage and touchdown passes are misleading because some offenses are built to air it out. The QB Rating levels the playing field.

For Vick to think that he’s worthy of that tier is insulting and laughable. He’s as reckless with his passes as Favre and Tim Tebow combined. While he’s got amazing quickness and speed, his arm lacks the accuracy and depth to be even close to those ten we’ve discussed earlier.

But wait… Warner retired so you have to replace him with Matt Leinart, right? Fine, Eli Manning was 11th best, McNabb was 12th. There you go.

Arguably, those 12 quarterbacks are the best 12 in the game. You can easily make the case that Carson Palmer is a better quarterback, as is Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan.

Michael Vick isn’t even a top 15 quarterback.

Are there teams that can easily benefit from Vick under center as opposed to what they already have? Absolutely. Vick could make an immediate impact on teams like the Bills, Rams, Buccaneers and Panthers.

Vick isn’t deserving of being in that top tier, not because of what he did to earn jail time, but what he’s failed to do when he’s gotten playing time.

-Patrick Swafford / pat@audiblyoffensive.com

(Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Wednesday afternoon brought news that Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner could announce his retirement during a press conference scheduled for Friday.

While a lot of other blogs and sports news sites have already lamented his great career and his unbelievable ride through the football landscape, I’m not.

I’m not here to bury him, I’m here to praise him. I’m here to talk about how he’s one of those guys that you can’t help but cheer for.

You know those guys I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter what uniform he wears, he’s the kind of guy you always want to see succeed.

Derek Jeter would be my favorite baseball player if he wore anything except pinstripes. Tim Tebow is a kid that I’ll always root for, despite the fact that he played for Florida (and for the record, he ended his college career 0-2 against Auburn).

Kurt Warner is the sole reason my Tennessee Titans didn’t win Super Bowl XXXIV. I cursed him for days. I still curse him for it, but no matter what, I can’t help but love the guy because he does it all the right way.

This is a guy that came from nowhere (and by nowhere, I mean the Iowa Barnstormers of the Arena Football League) to third-string duties for the St. Louis Rams in 1998 behind Tony Banks and Steve Bono, to watching 1999 starter Trent Green go down with a knee injury.

I’ll never forget that Dick Vermeil press conference where an emotional coach told the media that the Rams would have to “rally around Kurt Warner.”

To some, that might have sounded like Vermeil waving the white flag. Little did we know that Vermeil was putting the football world on notice.

Little did we know that this former Arena League badass/ grocery bagger would become the model for the quick-release quarterbacks that we see now.

Warner was the blasting cap behind The Greatest Show On Turf. It was his knack for releasing the ball inside of three seconds that made Marshall Faulk, Isaac Bruce and Tory Holt work. It was his down field vision. It was his ability to read defenses on the fly.

In twelve seasons, Warner threw for 32,344 yards and 208 touchdowns. He’s appeared in three Super Bowls, all three of them decided inside the game’s final 35 seconds.

He holds Super Bowl records for the most passing yards in a game (414 in XXXIV) and passing yards all-time (1,156).

While the stats beg for a first ballot induction to Canton, it’s his poise that makes him world class.

He came under fire in New York, suffering under the bright lights of the Big Apple and Big Blue. He fumbled the ball more times than Brett Favre made the Packers wait on a decision, but he rose above it. He’s taken two different franchises to Super Bowls. Okay, that’s happened before, but were both franchises considered jokes before hand?

Warner took the Rams to SBXXXIV when he was just considered an afterthought. Remember, they were supposed to “rally around Kurt Warner” not become the most explosive offense of the season.

He went from bagging groceries during the off-season in Iowa to NFL MVP.

He came to Arizona and led the Cards to the promised land. Unlike his rise to fame in St. Louis, his Arizona backup, Matt Leinart, had already proven that he was a bust as an NFL signal caller.

While he’s been nothing short of a warrior during his 12-year career, one thing stands out to me in this day and age that makes him great.

He’s announcing his decision, retirement or not, on Friday, before all of the NFL’s focus turns to Miami and the Super Bowl.

He’s never wanted the focus to be on him. It’s always diverted to someone else.

Meanwhile, back in Minnesota…

It’s Conference Championship week in the NFL. You get our picks, keys to win, and our usual brand of humor. Enjoy.

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The first show of the new decade brings a new sound effect, a new theory on Lane Kiffin’s departure from Tennessee and a look ahead to this weekend’s NFL Divisional Playoffs.

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It’s the final edition of the best podcast on the net for the year. Enjoy.

As the 00’s wind down, we look back on the last 10 years and discuss the best moments. Happy New Year.